Hi all! How are you? I hope you are all ok and having a great time.
I have been trying to write a blog post for ages and I just didn’t know what to say (write). And to be honest, I still don’t. But I missed my blog and I missed being in contact with you all this way. So, here I am.
I am doing ok physically. I finished the treatments, it was rough but it’s finished. I am slowly getting strong again, I feel less and less tired, and even though there are many things still not quite all right, I hope they will be with the time passing. I am waiting for a first checkup at the end of the month to see if I’m Cancer free or not.
Mentally, I am also ok. Most of the time. When I don’t think. When I do think about my situation, I get scared. I get confused. And angry. I am not scared of death, I am scared of the possibility to not be with my husband. I want to live this life with him a bit longer. There are so many things we would love to do together. I am confused because I don’t know how to act. I don’t know how to deal with all this. I used to be a control freak, I used to try to plan everything in advance, and now I am facing a life without any possible planning or any certainty. Well, hello me! There ARE NO certainties in life! Let it go! Live in the moment!
It’s hard. But I am trying to change my way of living and thinking.
And the ‘angry’ part, well I am not sure who I’m angry with. It’s not God, I trust God. But my best friend told me that I sound angry and I trust her too. I guess I am angry with Cancer.
Sometimes I wonder if all this has some purpose. Maybe there is something I have to learn out of all this? I hope it’s not a punishment because I truly try and always have tried to be a good person. Yes I’ve made mistakes, but honestly I never did anything with bad intentions. So a lesson maybe? Or is it just a coincidence? Just a random thing?
I just don’t know!
To tell you the truth, I’m still not trying very hard to figure everything out. Most of the time I try not to think about it. My husband is my rock, he supports me, he understands why I have to escape to my studio day and night. That is what makes me sane. My art. I spend hours and hours working, thinking about what to make, how to make it, what materials to use, and that’s my sanctuary.
I don’t have children, and after the Radiation therapy I never will. The hormonal therapies for infertility I’ve received throughout the years have probably added if not caused this crap I’m dealing with right now, and I often wonder what my legacy will be? What will I leave behind after I’m gone? But one wise woman told me that it is not children or material things that matter the most when we go, it’s who we made happy. I do hope I have made (some) people happy and I hope I will make (some) people happy.
And if nothing else, there will be a ton of journals left when I’m gone. 🙂
So, I am giving away this journal:
It has different papers inside, mostly my textured handmade paper.
It is a gift from a heart.
Thank you. Thank you for reading this, thank you for being a part of my life. Even if we’ve never met or never will, it doesn’t matter. You are all part of my life and we are all connected. And I am thankful for that.