Tough Stuff

Hi all! How are you? I hope you are all ok and having a great time.

I have been trying to write a blog post for ages and I just didn’t know what to say (write). And to be honest, I still don’t. But I missed my blog and I missed being in contact with you all this way. So, here I am.

I am doing ok physically. I finished the treatments, it was rough but it’s finished. I am slowly getting strong again, I feel less and less tired, and even though there are many things still not quite all right, I hope they will be with the time passing. I am waiting for a first checkup at the end of the month to see if I’m Cancer free or not.

Mentally, I am also ok. Most of the time. When I don’t think. When I do think about my situation, I get scared. I get confused. And angry. I am not scared of death, I am scared of the possibility to not be with my husband. I want to live this life with him a bit longer. There are so many things we would love to do together. I am confused because I don’t know how to act. I don’t know how to deal with all this. I used to be a control freak, I used to try to plan everything in advance, and now I am facing a life without any possible planning or any certainty. Well, hello me! There ARE NO certainties in life! Let it go! Live in the moment!

It’s hard. But I am trying to change my way of living and thinking.

And the ‘angry’ part, well I am not sure who I’m angry with. It’s not God, I trust God. But my best friend told me that I sound angry and I trust her too. I guess I am angry with Cancer.

Sometimes I wonder if all this has some purpose. Maybe there is something I have to learn out of all this? I hope it’s not a punishment because I truly try and always have tried to be a good person. Yes I’ve made mistakes, but honestly I never did anything with bad intentions. So a lesson maybe? Or is it just a coincidence? Just a random thing?

I just don’t know!

To tell you the truth, I’m still not trying very hard to figure everything out. Most of the time I try not to think about it. My husband is my rock, he supports me, he understands why I have to escape to my studio day and night. That is what makes me sane. My art. I spend hours and hours working, thinking about what to make, how to make it, what materials to use, and that’s my sanctuary.

I don’t have children, and after the Radiation therapy I never will. The hormonal therapies for infertility I’ve received throughout the years have probably added if not caused this crap I’m dealing with right now, and I often wonder what my legacy will be? What will I leave behind after I’m gone? But one wise woman told me that it is not children or material things that matter the most when we go, it’s who we made happy. I do hope I have made (some) people happy and I hope I will make (some) people happy.

And if nothing else, there will be a ton of journals left when I’m gone. 🙂

So, I am giving away this journal:

It has different papers inside, mostly my textured handmade paper.

It is a gift from a heart.

Thank you. Thank you for reading this, thank you for being a part of my life. Even if we’ve never met or never will, it doesn’t matter. You are all part of my life and we are all connected. And I am thankful for that.

50 thoughts on “Tough Stuff

  1. Dear Sonja! Stay strong dear. You are going to be around for a long time making your awesome journals and living the life of your dreams with your husband. That is my sincere wish to God for you. Much love and hugs. And yes a Hi for the giveaway… ❤️😊

  2. I am so sorry for the situation youve been dealt. I, too, have been through A LOT of really hard times and I always question why? But I never get an answer. I hope byeond all hopes that at your hceck up- you are 100% cancer FREE!!! Never stop fighting!

  3. Im so sorry about the children thing.
    I went through a year of fertility treatment and it did not work, I was so depressed from all the hormones and I just had to stop. I couldn’t inject myself one more time, I couldn’t hold my breath in hope one more time that all the eggs waiting would be fertilized. Its taken years to get over the heartbreak.
    Find your purpose, find something to do. Jesus loves you and still has things for you to do. Like you said its easy when you don’t think – so don’t think. Just do something.
    I knitted hundreds of scarves – and watched TV shows. At the end I was still sad but I had something to show for my time, it did not improve my situation but it improved the life of the person who received it (I donated them all to charity) And somehow that helps and the sadness is not as strong or as regular.

  4. Hard time in your life. Been there done that. Not cancer but blindness. By grace I have sight back but am a changed person. No longer am I tied to what others think I should be or should do. I live each day to the fullest. Enjoying each moment. Realizing I really do not want to spend time obsessing over things. I am much more aware of how I spend my time. And play trumps house work every time. Your legacy is yours to write. Leave a trail of love and kindness and you will be remembered. It will get better. I worked on 5 minutes at a time the 30 and now I am rolling. Life is good. Hard but good.

  5. I am glad you are doing better and I understand about all the confusion and anger part too. While I haven’t personally had cancer, I’ve know many friends and relatives who have had to deal with it. There is no ‘right’ way to handle it. You have to do it your way. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you love and healing thoughts. Take care my friend.

  6. Wow, that is tough stuff, for sure. Praying for comfort and strength for you through this difficult time. Sending you Love. Xo I am happy you have your have your art and your hubby to help you trough. ❤

  7. I had no idea you were going through this! You are already leaving your legacy-through honesty and art you will touch others! Thank you for sharing this story…it has made me think. I will send healing thoughts our way!
    Kim (JJJ)

  8. My heart goes out to you. I survived cancer and a heart attack both at a young age. What was helpful to me was to talk to other survivors, it gave me hope. Get plugged in to a support group if you’re not already.

  9. So sorry to hear that you have been through such a bad time! Think positive as this will help you heal ! ( I know from family experience! ) Take joy in your creations and know that you inspire others with your beautiful work! Wishing you all the best for the future!

  10. I’m so sorry for your struggles. I have gone through some very hard things too that left me confused and bewildered. But I held on tight to the Bible, my favorites during life’s battles were in James chapter 1:

    James: 1:2-8 KJV

    “2. My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; 3. Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. 4. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. 5. If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. 6. But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. 7. For let not that man think that he shall receive any thing of the Lord. 8. A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.”

    Hold on to God’s hand and live life to the fullest each minute, without entertaining fears of being cheated out of the future. If your mind is on that, you won’t be focused on the present moments you are given, but on the future that no one can know. God only promises us “right now.” And we have to take “right now” life moment and savor it by reaching out and loving those people who are in our lives at that moment. We hold love in our hearts for those we know already (family and friends), but we are also told to love our neighbor as ourselves. That could be the grocery store clerk, a mechanic working on your car, or anyone you come in contact along life’s way. Reaching out toward others with God’s love is the best gift we can leave with them. That is the best any of us can do with the number moments we’ve been given to live on the earth.

    Many hugs and prayers are going toward you.

  11. I lost two sisters to cancer and two more are fighting it at this moment . They are all reacting to it in a different way. My sister Geno seemed to be the one that accepted and lived her life as it was the last day. The day before she died she asked everyone to spend the day with her she wanted us to tell her we were going to be ok. It was like a party she wanted to hear her favorite music eat her favorite food and wanted all of us to eat and enjoy the day. She wanted us to assure her all her funeral plans were going to be as she decided.. She called her pall bearers , choose her outfit, choose her flowers . Everything was ready.
    My other sister was the opposite .. she curled up in a ball and in two weeks she was gone. There is no handbook to tell you how to feel h. You’re attitude, beliefs and life experience will be you’re guide. Feel what you need to feel Just remember there are loved ones surrounding you who are willing to go through this with you . You are not alone

  12. I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I understand your frustrations. I don’t have cancer but another illness that threatens my life Daley. Keep your head above water and keep doing what you enjoy. My my mom has fought cancer twice and lives to a good old age now yet. Love and prayers for you sweet heart. (( Hugs))

  13. First I want to send Hugs to you!
    Cancer is a nasty, awful disease. I helped​ my dad through all the treatments only to loose him to aspiration on a hospital visit. It was an easier way for him to go but I still miss him at times when I could really use a dad hug!
    I wish you the best!I’m hoping you come out of this & continue to make beautiful journals. Art on !

  14. I truly understand the tough stuff you have been dealing with. I have survived breast cancer – and the treatment for it – twice. My hair is just growing back after chemo and radiation. Art is good for the soul. I also spend many hours in my studio, “playing”, as I call it. I will never consider myself an artist, but creating has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. So, keep on creating, keep on loving, and every new day will put more distance between you and all the nastiness.

  15. Thank you for sharing. I am glad you have finished your treatment and it’s my hope and prayer that you will be completely cancer free. I can understand all of the feelings and emotions you’ve mentioned. My oldest daughter was diagnosed with Burkitts Lymphoma when she was 13 years old. We almost lost her twice. She always dreamed of being a mom someday as well, but cannot have any children of her own. The good news is she has been in remission for 18 years! I know writing, and music helped her cope with the anger, the confusion and depression that this disease caused. I hope your art and writing help you as well. Much prayers and good wishes for you! Take care ❤️

  16. I don’t know you but you have touched my heart with your honesty & story of what you are dealing with. I am sending you hugs, prayers and positive thoughts for you. You are very talented and I hope you can find comfort in your love to create. Beautiful journal and even more beautiful story behind it. Love to you sweetie xo

  17. I am praying for you that you will be cancer free ! I hope you will be able to look back at this time in your life as a terrible time, but just a chapter. And who knows – you may still be a Mom some day, I’ve learned through experience that God makes families in all sorts of ways. We now have 2 children that we adopted from Foster Care and we love them to pieces. Hopefully your own journey will fulfill you in a surprisingly wonderful way!

    P.s. Amazing journal !

  18. That was beautiful. Raw and true. Im proud of you. We have never met but you have touched me. I wish you healing and peace and joy and love. You deserve it.

  19. I’m glad your treatments are behind you and you are starting to move forward. I had cancer 2 years ago, so I understand some of what you are going through. God is so good, and He did not give us this as a punishment. There are many lessons I’ve learned in the last 2 years, and while I will never say I’m glad I had cancer, I am glad for what I’ve learned and who I’ve become. Just take one step at a time, and don’t compare your journey with others. Please contact me if you ever want to chat. You are not alone!

  20. Sadly the devestating effects of cancer linger long after the treatment is over. I am sorry you are in struggle.

  21. Hello I too had cancer and it makes you think every time something hurts or doesn’t feel right makes you wonder if it’s back. I pray at your checkup you are cancer-free. Good bless you and continue to touch your body to rid it of cancer!!!

  22. I just got back from having a port put in for my chemo and I just read your blog. All I can say is that cancer totally sucks. You will get through this and do will I. We need our art and we can vent. We can do this!
    Thank you for your giveaway offer. How awesome is that!

  23. Cancer is an evil thing, I know many people and I also lost my fiance to Pancreatic cancer 11 years ago, an unforgiving disease-
    Jumped here from Facebook. xxxx

  24. Oh Sonja, I am so glad you have your art to do still and a strong husband to lean on, and faith in God. Life is not fair, but God wants us to look to him for the hard times and the good times in life. Keep on creating. It is part of what God has given you to get you through these tough times. Thank you for sharing your lovely artwork.

  25. Hi Sonja, your idea is great and you sure will make someone happy if not me! 😜 But I also used to be a control freak like you and I’m also undergoing a tough moment as I’ve lost my voice after an emotional trauma…. I think the main lesson is to let go. Accept the impermanence of life. Its highs and lows and just go with the flow….. ❤️

  26. You are such an inspiration to me! Please know just by blogging it lets the rest of us who may be going through a similar situation (no two are alike) that we are not alone. You have a knack to say what I feel at times. One day its one thing the next its something totally different. Thank You and you are in my prayers.

  27. I am sorry you are dealing with cancer . My only brother was diagnosed with paceratic cancer and it on his liver also stage 4 .i still can’t believe it a shock. But I am praying for you . That you receive good news. It is unbelievable how many get that diagnosis these days. Prayer s for strength coming your way.

  28. You have touched more people’s lives than you’ll ever know. And, it is never too late… There are other options, foster care being one of them. So many children out there need our help. My Mom herself was adopted 🙂

  29. It is ok to be angery, confused and concerned with. what’s next but seems like your art is helping. You have something to go to for solus. Keep plugging away and hopefully life will get better.

  30. This is the first time I’ve been to your blog. While your journal is lovely, I read your update and feel that it is familiar. I have a dear friend now battling cancer. I will add you to my prayers when I pray for him.

  31. Found your blog through the Junk Journal Junkies FB group, and read your story. Praying for you, and good to hear that you are feeling better. Glad to get to know your better, even though it is tough stuff. The Journal looks beautiful.

  32. I’m so sorry that life has got you with all of this!!!
    I totally understand as I’ve got a chronic illness and don’t know from which day to the next that I can even get out of bed.
    But on the days I can, I always make sure that I do something for me that I love !!!
    Your journal is gorgeous and so different!!!
    Hope life starts to turn around for you.
    Bless you ❤️

  33. Read what you wrote yesterday and been thinking about it ever since… came back here today just to say I hope the future brings you better days and I also want to thank you for sharing your thoughts, the stress we live in almost make us forget how precious life is and that all the things we take for grantred can change in a second. Positive thoughts will help you…

  34. I read your story and I am very sorry what your going through, I had the most awful scare this year to with a surgery biopsy, But thankfully! I was one of the very lucky ones..But those 2 months of waiting was the worst and having a mom who had breast cancer, I figured it was my turn.. Deal with it anyone you can, whatever helps you get through it.. I would love to have your journal, but please give it to someone who is going through the same as you, so she can right her thoughts down and deal with it.. Hope all works out for you.. Holley… Northern Canada

  35. I like to think life is about helping others, both people and animals. Trying to make a place better than it was before you arrived. Do no harm. Smile and laugh when you can. Trust you inner self to be and do what needs doing. You will come out of this a much stronger person with a renewed purpose. You are doing a nice thing gifting something you made to a stranger. All the best. We are all rooting for you💐🎨❤️

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